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Monthly Archives: June 2010

The best man

The duties of a best man are to plan the Buck and Doe and bachelor parties and give a speech at the wedding. I need to know this because I’m the best man at RC’s upcoming wedding. I’m just at the beginning stages of planning the bachelor party. E-mail makes it pretty easy, much faster than the old way. (Activate the phone tree. You phone someone, that someone phones someone else, and so on.) I’m a bachelor-party-planning virgin. Fingers crossed, hope it goes well.

As for a speech, I will not do this. I’m not a speech kind of guy, and besides RC (my best man) didn’t give one at my wedding, He didn’t want to and we didn’t force him. So I’m off the hook. Phew, as I wipe the sweat from my forehead. Dodged a real bullet there. Come to think of it, RC didn’t give me a bachelor party either, but I’ll guess I’ll give him a pass on that.

Now, on to the Buck and Doe – another responsibility of the best man, and, if they want, the whole wedding party, including the Bride and Groom, can help. First, let me explain what a Buck and Doe is for those non-Canadian folks that may not know what it even is. A Buck and Doe, Stag and Doe or Jack and Jill are a Canadian tradition. It acts as a fundraiser for the wedding. Guests purchase tickets to the Buck and Doe, where they are entertained with food, drink, music and games. OK, so now that we all know what a Buck and Doe is, let’s continue. I had minimal responsibilities on this one. The Bride-to-be did all the work. I set up a page on the Facebook, sold some tickets, and that’s about it. I really got off pretty easy. I will go and enjoy the festivity … because, as you all know by now, I love to party and I loves the drink.

Now back to the bachelor party. See, the problem is we are all too old for the whole stripper, strip club experience and, in my case, the Groom is not interested in that activity. It’s over-rated anyway. I mean, don’t get me wrong, who doesn’t like drinking beer and watching naked woman dancing (been there, done that). The girls are generally hot and skanky. But, I’m sure that they’re all so innocent. You know, they’re only working there to pay their way through the college or university program that is so expensive. (How many times you heard that one fellas?) The girls get even skankier when they find out that it’s the man’s last “shot” as a single man. (What happens at a bachelor party, stays at a bachelor party.) Who needs that? Most of us are married, and we wouldn’t want anyone to get in trouble now, would we? … So where do I go from here? I had a few thoughts – horse track and betting with buffet, maybe paintball, how about bowling or deep-sea fishing? All great male-bonding activities where everyone’s together. I was trying to stay away from golfing, even though it is fun as Hell, but the rest of the peeps thought golf sounded great and weren’t really interested in anything else. So, here we are,(so much for originality). I personally don’t like the groups of 4 for an event like this. You only get to see those 4 people for the better part of the day. I guess a gathering after with food and drinks will make up for that.

So what are ya gonna do? It’s settled. The groomsmen are in for the golf as well as the Groom, and that’s really all that matters. So now I just need to hash out a few more details, find a course, try to finalize the guest list, and try and collect the money in advance. That last part ought to be fun. And I’m a procrastinator, so my time is wearing thin. I’m looking forward to playing golf again, hacking up the grass and bootin’ around in the carts. (In my last experience, they served us alcohol and let us drive the carts. What a sport!)
Best man etiquette is not to get drunk and to make sure the party goes off without a hitch, and most of all, to make sure the Groom get’s plastered and has a great time. I’m sure others will help with that task. Maybe I can get a wee bit drunk and still keep up on my best man responsibilities. Ah who am I kidding, I will be as drunk as the rest of ya… Forrrrrrrrre! or is it Floorrrrrrr?

 
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Posted by on June 24, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Dating Karen and meeting the fams

Dating was simple back then, pretty much dinner, movie and some frisky business if I was lucky. (2 Consenting adults) We changed it up from time to time. You know, get the “frisky business” out of the way, then do dinner and a movie. ha, ha. We’d go to the clubs, play pool, see concerts or just hang together. We are older now, have a house and little bit more money. We are DINKS- double income no kids. (Well none so far, but we are trying, or practising I should say. I’m honing in on my skills. Practice makes perfect.) It’s kind of nice for just the two of us to have a “Date Night,” which would most likely involve one or all of the aforementioned activities. We can even afford to go to the movies on nights that aren’t cheap night, and have a dinner that doesn’t have the words Big or Mac in it. I don’t always need, or even want, to go out and spend our hard-earned moneys. Sometimes it’s fine ordering in and watching a movie, spending time with each other that’s what counts in life. If you are with a person for a long time – years and years, and still want to spend time together, well then my friend you’ve got it made. Don’t get me wrong, we fight. We fight all the time. But she can’t stay mad at me. I’m way too cute for that and I usually make her laugh.

How lucky can one guy be? I kissed her and she kissed me. Like the fellow once said “Ain’t love a kick in the head?” –Dean Martin

We were seeing each other for a bit the first time I met Ima, as I call her now. Back then, it was Karen’s mom (“Ima” means “mom” in Hebrew). She walked into the house, came downstairs to where we were innocently watching movies. She came down to say hi to Karen, so Karen introduced us. I remember thinking “Wow! Who is this lady? So young. This can’t be Karen’s mom.” But, it was. “And holy crap, what’s with the accent? I can’t make out a word she’s saying.” (I’ve grown used to the accent now, sometimes don’t even notice it.) We laugh about it now at our Friday night dinners (Shabbat). For example, a Ford fukus (Focus) or her own car, an Akoohra (Acura) MDX, or flannn-ell (flannel) bed sheets (sounds so much more elegant and expensive the way she says it). Those ones come screaming to mind and make me chuckle. It’s great that we have become so close over the years. In fact, she is mya kraceeviya mama (a hack job at Russian with English letters to say that she is my beautiful mother), my mom away from home. Ima’s speech at our wedding made my eyes sweat. Not tears, I was wiping the sweat away… Come on, it happens.

We will come back to Karen’s dad in a few minutes. First, Karen gets to meet my family. Me, RC and Karen took a road trip to P.E.I. for Christmas vacation when Karen and I had only been dating for 6 months so far. We went in his dump truck. Now class, if you have been following along on my other posts and paying attention, you will know who RC is and all about the truck.
Mom and Karen don’t always see eye to eye, but it’s generally on trivial stuff like is that shirt blue or is it purple? They are both so set in their ways and Karen likes to argue. My Dad loved her right from the beginning. They were kind of Kindred Spirits, if you will. I think he was happy. In fact, I know he was when I finally married this Jewish girl. (you know, a member of “the chosen people”) And besides, it gave him someone to discuss religion with. My sister was a bit slow to come around, but eventually she did. All it took was a few presents and a trip or two to the movies. My brother and Karen are good buds. They talk to each other almost as much as he and I do. In fact, I’m sure there is stuff he tells her that he wouldn’t dream of telling me. The first time Karen met my Grandmother (Nan) She was making my favourite meal, ham and scalloped potatoes. She knew Karen (Jewish) was not allowed to eat ham. So being the great Nan that she was, she cooked Karen something special… a pork chop. Karen just laughed and ate it. I never had the heart to tell Nan that it was pork, not just ham that Jews didn’t eat. All in all, the first time Karen met The Doucettes went A-OK.

Now back to Abba (Hebrew), Papa, Karen’s dad. I never really met him until Karen and I moved in together, and that was after many years of dating. I was nervous and a bit intimidated – the whole dad’s side of the family was there, including Sabba (Grandpa in Hebrew). It went off without a hitch, same thing with her Dad’s thick accent, very hard to make out at first. It was later on that I earned some respect from him. We were drinking together at a wedding. I must have impressed him with how I could hold my liquor. That night he took me around to tables and introduced me to all his friends, saying “Did you meet Vassa. He will be my son-in-law soon. He drinks viskey. He’s Russian.” (all this said with his thick Russian accent). From then on, the Russians knew me as Vassa. We have shared many bottles since then and get along great. Abba is an 8th degree black belt in martial arts (Shaolin Kempo). I don’t think I have ever seen him angry. Probably a good thing. He likes Chinese medicines and cures, and vitamin V (that’s vodka for those of you that don’t know). I once asked him if he could use his martial arts training to break a brick or a board. He replied, “What did that brick or board ever do to me?” That’s the kind of man he is, gentle man with a very positive attitude. I have a great respect for him.

Ahhhhh, let’s not forget “D”, Karen’s sister. She’s reading this post and thinking that I left her out. Well I didn’t. (I like to save the best or the worst for last) What can I say about her? I watched her grow up. It’s like having another little sister. Except more, bratty, a bit more “bitchy” and kind of gross sometimes. Jokes D, just jokes. We get along as well as Karen and my brother. I’m sure she has told me stuff in the past that I’m not supposed to tell. What are they called? Ah yes, secrets! I always get loose lips after a few drinks and end up embarrassing her, so she doesn’t tell me as much as she once did. “It’s all in good fun.” … for me anyway.Lol

I’m now gonna take a minute to thank the gods – the Christian one, the Jewish one, Buddha, Jehovah, and yes, even Satan, for the fact that I am now happily married, done dating new girls, and never have to do the whole meeting of the significant other’s family … at least not until I have kids.

 
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Posted by on June 17, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

Reality TV and Movies

Reality television- Television Programming that is unscripted dramatic or humorous situations, or it documents actual events, and usually features ordinary people instead of actors. I think some of it has to be scripted but who knows? … I guess the Producers would know, but I’m not one of them.

It came about in the late 90s. I actually think Survivor (I’ve never watched,and never will) was the first or one of the first reality shows. I remember seeing commercials for it and thinking this was the start of the TV downward spiral. Since then, we’ve had shows about little people, cake offs and bake offs, little people making cakes, Donald Trump’s Apprentice, I’m a Celebrity Get Me Out of Here(celebrities on an island … similar to Survivor), Dancing with the Stars, So You Think You Can Dance ,America’s Got Talent, etc. Or how about rock stars, Ozzy Osbourne, Gene Simmons or Puff Daddy (Pdiddy, whatever the hell we are calling him today). Or maybe the Bachelor, or Rock of Love (Bret Michaels), or Flavor of Love (Flavor Flav). There are just too many to mention. And a lot of them are just too silly to watch. I can’t believe that our life has gotten so boring that we are willing to watch some washed up singers looking for love (Bret) – he’s got Rock of Love and Bus of Love. They should have just called it Celebrity Bachelor – Looking for Big-Boobed Girls, and Celebrity Bachelor – Looking for Sex on the Road.(Hey, sex sells right?) How about a show about a drugged-out rock star going about his everyday business? (Ozzy) Or the God of Thunder himself, Gene Simmons (Gene Simmons’ Family Jewels), also conducting business and living his life with his family. Both shows are fantastic, by the way. It’s. Truly amazing what we, as a society will watch. I’m bored and have no life so I Live vicariously through the reality TV stars that I watch.

A lot of the times, the shows started in Britain and they were good (British, but good), but not everyone got to see them. So it comes to America, where it goes mainstream, which is great. Everyone gets to see it. Then, it comes to Canada. By the time its gets here, I’m tired of seeing it. It’s awesome for the franchise owners or producers, but it’s too much crap for me to handle. To copy (franchise) a show is fine, but to try and copy the judges or hosts to the exact replica of the American or British version is ludicrous, don’t even get me started on that. Ben Freaking Mulroney, what an idiot. (my opinion folks, remember, my blog)

The wife is the worst. She will watch almost any one of these shows and probably some I haven’t mentioned. She loves her reality (even if it is on TV). She’ll flip to something for just a second and then she is hooked, Amazing Race, or one of those weight-loss ones. I’m also starting to get bad. I blame her. I never watched any until she sucked me into American Idol. I enjoy it now, but it was my stepping stone. For me, it’s the gateway show. Up until that point, I was proud to say that I never watched reality TV. Then, it was Hogan Knows Best (Hulk Hogan), Surreal Life on Much Music (all the washed-up stars), then Hogan Celebrity Championship Wrestling (Hulk Hogan trained washed-up celebs, including Screech … who cares what his real name is, Tiffany, Danny Bonaduce, and Denis Rodman) The Hulkster teaches them to be bad actors (even worse than they already are, or were) and how to be wrestlers with their new made-up personas. Quite entertaining, I might add.

There is at least one reality show on every night of the week, it seems, and one for everyone. Karen is always sucking me into watching some other one, whether it be one of those damn judge shows (Judge Judy or Judge Brown or that other one whatever the heck it is … ah yes, Peoples Court), or the Gordon Ramsay shows (Kitchen Nightmare and Hell’s Kitchen), or wedding shows (Wedding S.O.S. or Rich Bride, Poor Bride), or modelling and dancing shows (America’s Next Top Model or Dancing with the Stars). I’ve been hooked. I enjoy them and can’t live without them. They have become a TV watching staple in our household. It’s like heroin. Not that I’ve ever tried that stuff yet… l if I can’t see Gordon Ramsay bitching at someone today or Canada’s worst handyman hammering his thumb, I start jonesing for my fix and get the shakes and twitches. Ha, ha.

It’s really odd for me to like reality shows, because when I read I enjoy fantasy, and when watching movies, I prefer comedies and classic horrors. I think Karen is slowly changing me. Moulding me, shaping me into something that she likes. Is it for the better? Who really knows? I guess I’m just as bad as everyone else now with this whole reality programming kick. It’s here to stay and I would say I’m on board the band wagon. No thanks to my wife…

I’m a huge movie buff, not sure I could count how many I’ve seen. I own over a hundred of my favourites, along with the Walt Disney classic collection. (but that’s Karen’s) I like to watch some of them over and over and they never get old to me, for example the Back to the Future trilogy, Caddyshack (1 and 2), Tombstone, and even Top Gun. These are classic.
I remember in college, for about 4 months, we watch Tremors (Kevin Bacon and the underground monsters) every other night. It was great. Then, we switched it up to Aladdin. Hey, when you are in college and poor, you got nothing else to do but drink and watch movies. A bunch of drunk people, dancing and singing along to Aladdin songs. “Mister Aladdin, sir, have a wish or two or three. I`m on the job, you big nabob. You ain`t never had a friend like me”… Hey, I don’t see anything wrong with that. We had no cable and very few movies back then.

Karen and I recently watched all of the Friday the 13th movies. Oh my gwad, really bad, not scary at all, and kind of funny.(Ultra fromage) However, you do get to see gratuitous boobies in most of the episodes, if not all (always a good thing). Horny young girls and boys go to summer camp, horny young girls and boys get killed at the hands of Jason Voorhees. Holy shmoly, if you see one, there is no need to see the rest. The story doesn’t change. The parents keep letting their kids go to Chrystal Lake and they die. That pretty much sums it up. The following week was the Nightmare on Elm Street marathon. Now, this was awesome and gruesome. We watched them all, including Wes Craven’s New Nightmare and Freddy vs Jason. I own the box set. Scary… Karen was getting all freaked out … she can’t handle this stuff, especially when we watch it for more than 12 hours straight.

“One, two, Freddy’s coming for you. Three, four, better shut the door. Five, six grab your crucifix. Seven, eight, gonna stay up late. Nine, ten never sleep again.”

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha. (my sinister laugh) I sing this nightly just for Karen. After we finished watching, Karen went to have a shower. So, me, funny boy that I am, snuck in, shut the light off, and started talking like Freddy, quoting a line from the movie “Welcome to prime time bitch.” Karen flipped her lid, started screaming and yelling. I scared the bejesus out of her. I was afraid the neighbours would call the cops for a domestic. When she finally calmed down, there almost was a domestic. It’s fun, and way too easy to scare her. I’m so evil. She loves it…I think.

We are now in the midst of watching the Police Academy flicks. Those movies, my friends, are what dreams are made of. Funny, funny stuff. Well, if you are over 30. Younger than that, and you wouldn’t even have heard of them. Well now you have, so check ‘em out. Two thumbs up from BigWes. They’re great for their time … hilarious slap-stick humour. I think the next marathon that we will watch will be of the science fiction or fantasy genre. Star Wars, Star Trek, Lord of the Rings, etc. Sounds most excellent to me. I sure do watch a lot of TV and movies. I guess this proves that I am a wee bit of a couch potato. Huh? I never would have ka-thunk it.
“The mind is like a TV set, when it goes blank your best to turn it off.”

 
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Posted by on June 10, 2010 in Uncategorized

 

My soul mate

Soul mates – People that share a feeling of love, intimacy, sexuality, spirituality and compatibility with each other. I strongly believe that I am a lucky man to have found this with my wife.

Around the same time that college was finished and I was starting out my career as a cable tech, actually it was ½ year after college and a few months before I started work (You need to have the dates and times straight otherwise the women get fussy). It was February 5th or 10th or was it the 20th. It was February 1997. I know this for a fact, the first time that I met my future girlfriend, my future wife, my current wife, Karen, she was at her belated birthday party with some common friends of ours, and was having a good time. To say she was a little tipsy would be an understatement. It doesn’t take much for her, maybe 1 mixed drink or 1 beer … a cheap drunk . I went to visit the friend, and when I got there Karen was sitting on the floor at the entrance way. I looked down and stepped over her to go in. She started to cry, almost ball. I’m like what the hell? Did I step on her or something? ‘Cause I’m sure that would make anyone cry and I was also a little “tipsy,” So as a good gentleman, I asked her what was wrong and offered to help to her to her feet. She said “You shrunk me, and I will never grow all because you stepped over me.” Coo-koo! Coo-koo! What a nut bar. We would talk on the phone for the next month or so, until we would meet again. I had finished college; she was still in high school. Wow, talk about robbing the cradle. But, we just hit it off. I didn’t know what it was about her, but it just clicked. Maybe not love at first sight, that’s ‘cause I thought she was crazy, but love at second sight. Karen was a bit slow to pick up on the signals. I would hint about going out to the clubs or movies and she just didn’t get it. She would ask her friends what that meant. Was it a date or just friend stuff? It’s great to start out as good friends in my opinion. I had to formally ask her out, (clearing my throat) “Hi. So would you like to go out with me?” – Ugh, high school chicks. Our first date was on April 15, 1997. That was a Tuesday – cheap movie night. The rest is history. We dated for almost 11 years before we got married. Wow, I guess she wanted to make sure I was her soul mate.

She often asks “Why do you love me?” as all women do, fishing for complements. I never know what to say. It makes me uncomfortable. I’ve never really been good with telling my feelings. A character trait or flaw that I need to work on.

Unfortunately, I don’t think that there is a definite answer to that question. It changes every day. There are days that I love Karen for the strength she gives me. There are days that I love her for the funny way she will scold me, trying to sound all tough and stern when she really knows that I am the boss. I love that I can make her laugh and vice versa, she can make me laugh even at our saddest times. I love her soft lips and all the kisses. Most of all, I love that every day with her is unique and special.

“Why do you love me?” – Because I do!

 
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Posted by on June 3, 2010 in Uncategorized